Heading Towards A Hurdle ….

The past two weeks have been a huge struggle both physically and mentally.

My right leg has been in a constant state of clonus since a week a go Monday.  This involves my leg carrying out involuntary spasms night and day, some more violent than others. This has lead toe being very unsteady on my feet and only being allowed to transfer when I have some one with me. It’s meant I’ve not been able to do any walking and means I’ve wasted valuable physio time working on other areas when I could be strengthening my legs.

Gemma has been a huge support through this. She’s seen my leg being evil to me and staff vigorously trying to stop it from bouncing.  She’s made me laugh with the odd inappropriate comment but on the whole has been bloody supportive.

Mel has been her usual amazing self. Coming to the ward to do both mine and Gemma’s nails. It’s was a proper girly night, not something I’ve had in a long time. She’s taken me round tescos,  come to cheer me up when down which has been quite a bit these past 2 weeks.

Emotionally I’ve been like a human yo-yo, 1 min happy and jolly, the next I’ve fighting off tears and wanting the ground to swallow me up whole.
All these emotions came to a head on Fri 8th April. I had a GPM (Goal Planning Meeting )to discuss where I was at and for the next stage of treatment.

The main point to the meeting was that on the 9th April the stair lift my parents have bought me was being installed. This was so major! I’d now be able to get up and down stairs .
So because the stair lift is in things have kind of snowballed into me being taken on another home visit on fri 15th (eek that’s today) and if all goes well and all the equipment is there that I need, then I will be staying for the night. Eek a whole night in my own bed, the first time since 2nd Jan 2016.

This is so scary. I mean I am looking forward to being with my family but I am terrified of what they expect of me. What if they have higher expectations of my abilities than I actually am able to do. I’m scared I’ll be in the way and just be a burden to them all.

I am excited don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait to see my boys but will I fit in to the family unit anymore.

It’s so scary.

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