Today I am feeling pretty peed off with my legs. It has really got me down and I am so flipping frustrated it’s annoying me.
Every Friday in the big gym we have core group. It is pretty much as it says on the tin. We spend an hour with the rehabilitation assistants (RAs ) and work on strengthening our core muscles. These muscles are key to doing so many things like standing and walking.
Now I’ve pretty much worked out how to do a pelvic tilt. It’s not easy when you cant feel the lower half of your body but I can now just about get it right every time I do it.
Doing a pelvic tilt then leads on to doing a bridge. I hate this part of core group. No matter what I donor how hard I try, I just cannot get my bum to lift off of the plinth. It has driven me mad for weeks but today it made me angry.
I was going red in the face trying to get my legs to lift my bum but nothing would happen. In the end it took the two RAs coming and physically lifting me up for my bum to move off of the plinth.
I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t do it on my own.
After failing at that so miserably we moved on to knee drop outs. This is where you lie with your knees bent up and then slowly and controlled move one knee away from the other whilst keeping the other knee still.
Well, I can keep my knee still as I can only get my other knee to move about 2″ away from it. It’s ridiculous. Neither knee will move on their own no matter how much I focus on moving them.
Then we moved on to clams. This is lying on your side with your knees bent up and hips in line with a straight spine. You then lift your top knee up, away from the bottom one. For me my left knee is much better than my right. I at least managed to make daylight appear, even if it was a brief glimpse.
We ended the session there and I left it feeling rubbish and disheartened.
I had such high hopes of my therapy having a massive impact on the way I mobilise and care for myself, instead I’ve been struggling to meet even the easiest of goals.
This evening I struggled really badly to get to the bathroom using my walking frame. It took so long to get there. After a sit down on the loo I decided to try and walk back with my frame. The HCA asked if I was sure as she knew I was shakey but stubbornness and stupidity told me to go for it.
I think I managed 4 maybe 5 steps before wobbling so much and trying to hold back the tears that I had to sit back in my wheelchair and admit defeat.
I hurt so much but there is nothing I can do about it till 11pm and my oramorph hit.
My legs won the battle. They aren’t working and no amount of trying today was going to change that.
Here’s to tomorrow and Physio at 9am. Hopefully my legs might play ball for a bit. Who knows. I sure as heck don’t
Time to munch on some pineapple and get into bed.
SN Mum
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