Just One Of Those Days

Do you ever get days where you are feeling really low yet you’ve no idea why??

I’ve been in that mood lost of today. I’ve no idea why I started feeling bleurgh but it’s been lingering around all day.

I went to core group this morning, I wasn’t meant to be but I took the place of a patient on weekend leave, and yet again failed at doing a bridge. In 11 weeks I have busted my gut to try and improve myself yet I still can’t do a bloody bridge!!! I normally end up being given a different task to do but not today. Today I just had to keep trying. I just can’t live my bum off of the bench.

I guess that probably triggered my mood to drop off.

I should have picked back up again after I managed to walk from the easter Egg table (yes we do have a table of easter eggs in the corridor that are raffle prizes & it’s so so tempting!) to the dining room doorway. I did this with my zimmer frame & my contraption known as a MUSmate. It was extremely hard work and very painful and incredibly tiring but I managed it in my own time.

I should be jumping for joy but I just keep thinking how I used to be able to walk a fair distance with no help at all.

Everything has gone belly up and my body just won’t do what I want it to do. 

I’ve been told today that I have come so far yet I just can’t see it.

All I can see is a fat me sat in a wheelchair with a body that just won’t do as I tell it.

I keep dropping things because my fingers are rubbish, my legs keep shaking and jerking, my body still has no sensation from my bra line down.

All I want is to see my boys and be home with them.

It’s been hard knowing they were all at home today doing stuff I should be doing. Paul took Adam to get a headset for his xbox with his pocket money – I should have been there.

I confessed to one of the HCAs that when I did my home visit on Tuesday I felt like a stranger who was in the way. I just didn’t feel like I had a place within that family unit. It scares me about going home and being dependant on people, mainly Paul and Adam, being in the way and just not belonging there.

I know I’m over thinking everything but I just can’t help it. I haven’t even slept in our new bed yet!!

It’s a rubbish situation and I know deep down I’m making small steps (excuse the pun)

Oh I just hate this whole situation and all its done to my family.
They’ve all been amazing and I just feel like I’m letting them down.

It’s driving me bonkers tonight.  I also think that seeing weekend leave written on my timetable yet I have no weekend Leave planned (nowhere is suitable for me now other than NH & that’s not till June) has left me out of sorts. 

I’ve even been time tabled in for a physio group tomorrow afternoon even though they know I can’t do sat and sun pm ad it’s my only time to see my family each week.

Arghhhhhhh bed I think and a whole new day ahead tomorrow including a visit from my dad who’s taking me for lunch and then Paul, the boys & my mum will join us for the easter tea party & raffle at 3pm.

SN Mum

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