Transverse Myelitis & Me, With A New Addition!

Do you ever get days where you are feeling really low yet you’ve no idea why??

I’ve been in that mood lost of today. I’ve no idea why I started feeling bleurgh but it’s been lingering around all day.

I went to core group this morning, I wasn’t meant to be but I took the place of a patient on weekend leave, and yet again failed at doing a bridge. In 11 weeks I have busted my gut to try and improve myself yet I still can’t do a bloody bridge!!! I normally end up being given a different task to do but not today. Today I just had to keep trying. I just can’t live my bum off of the bench.

I guess that probably triggered my mood to drop off.

I should have picked back up again after I managed to walk from the easter Egg table (yes we do have a table of easter eggs in the corridor that are raffle prizes & it’s so so tempting!) to the dining room doorway. I did this with my zimmer frame & my contraption known as a MUSmate. It was extremely hard work and very painful and incredibly tiring but I managed it in my own time.

I should be jumping for joy but I just keep thinking how I used to be able to walk a fair distance with no help at all.

Everything has gone belly up and my body just won’t do what I want it to do. 

I’ve been told today that I have come so far yet I just can’t see it.

All I can see is a fat me sat in a wheelchair with a body that just won’t do as I tell it.

I keep dropping things because my fingers are rubbish, my legs keep shaking and jerking, my body still has no sensation from my bra line down.

All I want is to see my boys and be home with them.

It’s been hard knowing they were all at home today doing stuff I should be doing. Paul took Adam to get a headset for his xbox with his pocket money – I should have been there.

I confessed to one of the HCAs that when I did my home visit on Tuesday I felt like a stranger who was in the way. I just didn’t feel like I had a place within that family unit. It scares me about going home and being dependant on people, mainly Paul and Adam, being in the way and just not belonging there.

I know I’m over thinking everything but I just can’t help it. I haven’t even slept in our new bed yet!!

It’s a rubbish situation and I know deep down I’m making small steps (excuse the pun)

Oh I just hate this whole situation and all its done to my family.
They’ve all been amazing and I just feel like I’m letting them down.

It’s driving me bonkers tonight.  I also think that seeing weekend leave written on my timetable yet I have no weekend Leave planned (nowhere is suitable for me now other than NH & that’s not till June) has left me out of sorts. 

I’ve even been time tabled in for a physio group tomorrow afternoon even though they know I can’t do sat and sun pm ad it’s my only time to see my family each week.

Arghhhhhhh bed I think and a whole new day ahead tomorrow including a visit from my dad who’s taking me for lunch and then Paul, the boys & my mum will join us for the easter tea party & raffle at 3pm.

SN Mum

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