As you can tell by the post title, it’s been a day of crying here.
I didn’t sleep well last night worrying about my catheter coming out so was tired and emotional when I got up.
I just fell apart on the doctor and the HCA when the doctor came to talk to me about taking it out. I just can’t get my head around the fact I will wet myself. I feel so out of control as it as and this just fuelled my stress to a new level and the tears just fell.
I’ve been struggling with the fact that I am still so far away from home and I just want to be with my family. I feel like a stranger to my children, so much so that it’s destroyed me when Lewis hasn’t wanted me.
I know I need to do the stairs safely and confidently but right now that just seems so far off.
I really struggle to get my feet on and off the box without help and it frustrates me so much.
Today just wasn’t going to plan. I can’t see the supposed progress I’ve made and feel like no matter how much I throw myself into my therapy that I am getting no where. Feel like I’m trying to walk up the down escalator.
Also chatted to the doctor about whether there was any news on my test results for a possible MS diagnosis.
She said it is looking highly likely from the results they have but they need another bloody test doing and my neurologist will see me in April to discuss it all.
I said to her that I know that TM only causes lesions on the spinal cord and nowhere else which would mean that the lesions seen on my brain have been caused by MS.
It’s another thing that is playing on my mind and until I can get that and my other problems straight in my head I’m not going to make any progress.
I guess I need to talk to the psycologist again. I need to find a way to manage all these feelings and self doubts.
I feel like such a burden on everyone.
My friend Mel popped in with some bits she grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. She has been a huge support through all of this like my other friend Lisa.
They’re support and understanding has meant so much to me. I can cry on them, laugh with them and be myself. They give me the lift I have needed and they don’t judge me.
My husband Paul has been an absolute rock. The stress this has put on him is phenomenal yet he keeps going. He is keeping the kids safe and happy, he is working in between visits here and doing school runs etc. He has listened to me cry and seen me fall apart yet he has stood by me.
He is my world.
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