I think this week has been the hardest week I’ve had since my diagnosis. Not just physically but mentally too.
Not only did I have to accept that I can no longer care for my children in the way I did before but I had begun to realise that my biggest goal of doing stairs so I can go home was further away than I had hoped.
Top that off with being told the doctors want to see what happens if they take my catheter out and hey presto I was a sobbing mess.
It is so hard facing up to the fact my life has changed so much in the past 2 months. I can’t do so many things that I had done with ease at the end of 2015.
I never imagined that I would end up with a catheter as I can’t feel my bladder. Since its been in and on a flip flow I’ve had 3 big accidents whereby my bladder has bypassed the catheter and I’ve wet myself.
So imagine my horror when the doctors told me that next week they want me to see what happens if they take it out. I know what the outcome will be and I really don’t want the humiliation as I wet myself again.
They fully understood my concerns but they need to know if my bladder will retain any fluid so then to discover whether I can train it to release in a routine. If it retains and doesn’t let go I’ll have to be trained to self catheterise.
If I wet myself then they need to look at possibly another type of catheter.
To be perfectly honest it all terrifies me and I don’t know what to think or feel.
My emotions are totally shot to pieces.
I’m desperately missing my boys and hubby and knowing my role with them has changed has really upset me.
The tipping point came on Tuesday.
Lewis was lying on my bed and I was playing with his hands and tickling him whilst I was sat in my wheelchair.
He had a typical Lewis moment and started to Reflux and be sick. In that split second I realised just what I cannot do now. I wasn’t able to calm him, suction him – I couldn’t do anything to help him.
I felt sick knowing that my role has changed so much.
I hate it!
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